So drunk, too bad you don't want this
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
