In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
