she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
