my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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