Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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