I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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