I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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