believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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