just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
