How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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