I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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