I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
