I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
