Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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