so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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