i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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