does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
