Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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