Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
