I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
