it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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