Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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