Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
