She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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