Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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