I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
