i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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