I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
