Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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