First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
