How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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