I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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