She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
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