if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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