this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
