You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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