Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just took my morning after pill in the library
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
