I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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