Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
