I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
