mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
