Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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