i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
