Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
