He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
