It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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