My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Your dad touched me again.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
