Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
