At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
