This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
