at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
