I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
