I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
