I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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