I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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