I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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