By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
