ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
