So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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