My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
