i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
