When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
