Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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